Changes

This past week or so has been a doozy. I won’t go into details, but it started with travelling home to visit my sick grandma in hospital to probably say goodbye, to a series of bombshells dropped along the way. None fatal, but definitely life changing; I’m not wounded but very much affected. Every time I regain my balance, another tremor hits.

I know I’m not alone in this, we all face times where we wonder how we’ll get through them, or how much more body blows can the Big Guy deal at once (as I discovered – you can always take one more hit than you think possible) . But cope we do, and muddle through somehow. 

So there’s been lots going on, lots of talking and discussing and life altering decisions made. I tweeted earlier that if I’d had this week a year ago, I’d be drinking on it – and I’ve no doubt I would. I’m not sure I would have felt emotionally ready for some of what’s going on. In fact, if you’d have told me all this would happen six months ago I would probably wondered if it would have made me or broken me entirely. As it turns out, my emotional china has broken, but kissed back together with molten metal; I am forever changed and scarred but stronger for it. How grateful I am to be present and able to process, to trust my instinct more. For the gift of acceptance.

Instead, I feel calm. At peace with the situations – they is what they are, what will be, will be. If I can affect something I can act, otherwise it’s out of my control. It’s been a revelation to know I can just hand it over, and trust that I’ve actually been bestowed a gift, an opportunity, I just need to refocus a little to see it. This path is mine, ours, and it’s got rocky and treacherous before but I’m still here hiking, even if my breath is jagged.

And I’m resolved. I’m not sure where it’s come from, but a determination of steel has become my armour that I gather around myself and my family. I can’t describe it anymore than this – I know it will be ok. I know this is the right path, somehow. I know that we will be fine, and this is leading somewhere better. I don’t have 100% faith in many things, but I absolutely believe in my husband and I. Like the strong women in my family, we get shit done. And as long as we have all each other, and our health, we will figure everything else out. What I have under this roof is a blessing – a house full of love. And love always wins.

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10 thoughts on “Changes”

    1. Thank you Wendy. It’s liberating isn’t it, to let it go (as hard as it is sometimes). You and your husband are marriage goals to me – you can see and feel the love between you and it’s a beautiful thing xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I love this. And you certainly are handling this with grace and dignity. Looking back, you will see that things were so much better without having to drink over them. We manage to get through shit, don’t we? And the more we do it sober, the more we see that it’s not only possible, but we grow with every pitfall and tragedy or whatever it is that passes us by. I can feel a shift in you, a maturity that comes from growth and acceptance. I love this. Thank you for sharing this – I hope your grandmother is comfortable.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The way you have handled the recent changes has been utterly inspiring. And I, for one, know you really are accepting. I hear it in your voice when we talk. I love how through it all you’re still enjoying your baking and cooking, you continue to impart wisdom and encouragement to those around you when it would be so easy to say “I can’t listen to your shit too”. Xxx

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  3. Cat, I finally got around to reading this! I’ve been super busy, too! Keep writing them;I will read them! I relate to this. I’ve joked numerous times that my kids “don’t know who I am.” Mind you: my girls are 28,26, and 25! I have really become “chill” in the past 2 years. Before (and it’s wasn’t “just” drinking) I was not manic (saying I was isn’t fair to those who truly suffer that condition) but my “bandwidth” was HUGE: very high “highs” and very low “lows.” Now, my bandwidth is about an inch wide. I know what to do when I’m sinking, and I’m just naturally not soaring (maniacally) at all. It’s a wonderful ride. “Acceptance” is my favorite alcoholism buzzword. I accept things now, and I therefore can handle them. Anyway: wonderful post and I am glad we are here together. HD

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’ve summed this up so well Big H – my mood barometer has calmed so much down. Like I still get angry, I still get upset, but it’s much more rational and measured. Not all the tone because I am still a drama queen 😂 but most of the times. I used to scoff at the whole ‘acceptance’ thing in my earlier days, now i am a fully fledged supporter of it. Thank you for reading, life is busy I know. Hope you are well xx

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