Re-directed Male

I’ve decided that I spend too long wondering, and pondering on things, rather than doing them. Sometimes, I can actually talk myself out of an idea that could go somewhere, or lead to excitement and I want to stop doing that. The only person who ever holds me back, is me. And I don’t want to just ciastcalong, being a person of inaction because I’ve spent too much time worrying and not enough actually DOING.

So. 

I’ve attempted contact with my estranged father. I think that’s the nicest term to use; I haven’t seen him for over 27 years, and there has been no contact at all throughout that time. 

He was pretty easy to find, and I’ve sat on his address for a while now. Waiting. For what, exactly, I’m not sure. I don’t know much about him, really – my mum has been so careful to never say anything bad about him that I’m almost not sure that the little I do know is entirely true. And he’s not spoken about bunny family (I have always been in contact with his mum, and some of his siblings – he disappeared on them too, and they’ve had the same lack of contact as I have).

I was worried for a while that he might be an addict. For a few reasons, that are (to me) justifiable. And then I worried that the overwhelming silence from anyone I try too speak to about it, about him, is covering something that I should probably know about before I make this step.

And then I thought – fuck it. I’m thirty one years old. A grown up. I’m a mother myself. I don’t need answers, or reasons, or explanations. I don’t need a father figure, or a happy fairytale ending. I don’t feel a part of my life puzzle is missing, or yearn for someone I’ve never had. I don’t feel angry, or hurt, or hopeful (indifferent, is probably an accurate description, though i feel that looks brutally harsh). I have zero expectations, or hopes. 

But I do want to stop wondering if I should make contact every few years or so. I do want to know what’s going on here, so I can explain to my kids when they ask. I’d like to put it to bed, find a resolution and not have it lingering over me. However it pans out, and whatever comes – or not – of this, I’m ok with.

So, the letter (more a note, to be honest about its briefness) is sent. My piece has been played, now the balls in his court. 

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7 thoughts on “Re-directed Male”

  1. Courageous!
    I have a somewhat similar situation in my life. Have not connected with a birth parent. So many complications ! Afraid
    I hope it turns out. Let us know how it turns out if u feel u can ..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was afraid for such a long time. I’m not now, which is how I know I’m ready for whatever happens (or doesn’t). I’ve been thinking of this for over ten years, so it was time. And I don’t want or expect anything – I just want the limbo to end! I’m thinking of you, and hope you give peace in your situation too xx

      Like

    1. That’s exactly it, H – I’m tired of wondering. I’m at peace with my life, and whatever the outcome from this will be I’m sure the right one for all. Plus, I know my kids will have questions st some point, and I’m not sure how to begin to answer such an ambiguous situation! Thank you x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Whatever happens happens. You don’t have to dwell on it forever, nor do you have to fear it. And hey, nothing may happen (which is fine) or everything might happen (which is fine). Most likely something in between will happen, which, as you can imagine, is fine. Your side of the street it clean, so to speak, and as long as there are no expectations on your side, then it is what it is. Glad you did this!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Exactly – what’s done is done, and I’m at peace with myself and any outcomes. Whatever happens, I know I reached out, and at a time that I felt strong enough to handle what ever came back. I’m Fuad I waited until now, as I feel so content about it all – I couldn’t have done this before. So, what will be will be, and I do not fear the future. I know life usually turns out for the best xx

      Liked by 1 person

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